Michigan has spoken

The people of our great state -- or, more accurately, those who voted in the Republican primary election yesterday -- narrowly expressed their desire for a presidential candidate with a slight chance of winning a presidential election over one whose odds of doing so are right around those of the Higgs boson being discovered by some guy driving too fast on M-23 during an ice storm (otherwise known as LHC, or the Large Hoonyack Collider.) A Wood-Charles exit poll (described elsewhere on this blog as a poll of voters exiting a bar by the back door as police rush in the front) pointed up the key differences the electorate saw between the candidates.

Issue	Romney	Santorum	Paul	Gingrich
The Economy	Has no clue, but is not Barack Obama, so that has to be better, right?	Has no clue, but is beloved by God and 38% of a random sample of angels and saints, so will come up with something.	Has many interesting solutions to our nation's economic woes, most of them involving tearing something down and not replacing it with anything else.	Has no clue, but believes strongly that he does.
Defense	Has no clue, but has enough money to personally front us an aircraft carrier or two.	Has no clue, but could probably call down a plague of locusts on any nation foolish enough to resist our authoritay.	Has many interesting solutions to our nation's defense woes, most of them involving tearing something down and not replacing it with anything else.	Believes that the best defense is a good offense, and is easily the most offensive of the candidates, now that Trump is out.
Separation of Church and State	Has no clue, but would probably convert to Catholicism if the sale of indulgences were to be legalized.	Would crack down hard on those who want to impose Islamic law on God-fearing Americans, those who wish to force alien beliefs on others, those who do not respect the rights of Americans to worship freely, and those who wear see-through sweater vests to Sunday service. Does have some problems with fundamental contradictions in his view of what constitutes your rights vs. his and on how many steps behind you your wife will be required to walk.	Has many interesting solutions to our nation's religious woes, most of them involving tearing something down and not replacing it with anything else.	Appears to have started his own religion, with himself as deity, prophet, and choir leader.
Foreign Affairs	Has no clue, but has enough money to personally buy France, if that's what it takes.	Has no clue, but believes that God will guide our hands in wrestling with such thorny problems as the Euro crisis, unrest in the Middle East, and tracking down the man who dumped beer down Angela Merkel's back.	Has many interesting solutions to our nation's foreign policy woes, most of them involving tearing something down and not replacing it with anything else.	Has a deep and abiding interest in any phrase containing the word "affairs."
Climate Change	Has no clue, but would probably be against it if he'd heard of it.	Has no clue, but believes that if God had wanted us to drive small cars, he'd have given us wheels.	Has many interesting solutions to our nation's energy woes, most of them involving tearing something down and not replacing it with anything else.	Has no clue, since it wasn't covered in any of the history he allegedly studied.
Local Concerns	Likes cars, thinks our trees are the right size.	Probably likes Michigan a lot less today than he did yesterday.	Has many interesting solutions to our nation's Michigan woes, most of them involving tearing something down and not replacing it with anything else.	Has no clue, thinks the auto maker bail out was a bad ... no, wait, good ... no, bad idea ... where am I speaking today? Is this a good idea or a bad idea state? Good idea? Ok, got it. The bail out was a good idea! And I voted for it! Or would have! If I were still in congress. Really.

Tune in for more on the wonder of it all, plus J. Francis McLuggage announces his own slate of positions on the same issues charted above, as he contemplates a run for the Presidency as an independent.