Ann Arbor, June 3, 1915 (WCNS) US Senator Elijah Creek (L,
Michigan), spoke at a press conference this morning in Washington, held to
announce his plans to introduce a completely new national healthcare bill. Senator
Creek's address is reproduced here.
Hello? Is this thing Ron? I mean, Ron, is this on thing? The
thing, you know, is it on? Okay. Good. Don't want to waste anybody's time,
talking to some off thing.
Now, about that word, 'off'. I've been usin' it for years,
off and on, and you know, I wonder why I haven't ever stopped. Stopped to
wonder, that is. Wait. Who wrote this foolishness? I stop to wonder all the
time! Oh, about the word 'off', eh? Well, why didn't you say so? I did. Just
then.
Anyway, what do we mean 'off'? I tried to giggle it on the
Internet, but all I got was some nonsense about bug repellant. I've known
plenty of bugs in my time, and most of 'em were repellant enough without having
some goop sprayed on 'em. And lizards? Don't get me started.
Healthcare. That's what it says on the card that young
fella's holdin' up. No, wait. There's more. It says 'Healthcare Bill'. I don't
know anybody by that name, though. Used to hang around the Orgone Box with old
Wilhelm Reich. Some people called him 'Healthcare Bill' because they thought he
needed some. The Orgone Box was a cafe' and hookah bar in North Lansing, by the
way. I always thought those DEA fellas were too hard on 'em. The owners.
Now he's gone and written something else on the card. "Your
Healthcare Bill" it says now. Oh, "My" healthcare bill? He's
nodding his head. Up and down. You oughta get that looked at, Son. You're too
young to have your head flopping around like that. I recall once, up in
Ishpeming or somewhere like that, I went to a doctor. A veteran, he was. Said
so right on his sign. Spelled it wrong, but I won't hold that against him.
Anyway, I wanted him to do something about my rheumatiz. "Where is
he," the doc says. Well, the conversation went downhill from there. He
ended up putting a big cone-shaped thing around my neck. I wore it for a while,
but it was hard to see where I was goin'. Still have it, though. I wear it
instead of a necktie when I go to embassy dinners. Helps me understand what the
foreigners are sayin'.
But when I got the bill from all that, I said to myself and
three or four other people, "This here Healthcare Bill is
incomprehensible!" And they couldn't understand it. 'Incomprehensible'.
They didn't know what it meant. Means 'stupid', by the way, if you don't know
what it means, either. And that got me all up on my high horse about it. After
I fell off, as I usually do, I got up on my short horse and rode over to the
Senate. The Senate was another hookah bar, you understand. And we talked about
it, healthcare, that is. The bartender and I. And he said, "You oughta do
something about it." And so I did. I am. Now, finally.
What's that? Oh, he's pointin' at the card again. Now it
says "Explain it". What? I was explaining something, there, but you
made me lose my thread. Now he's back to "Healthcare Bill", again.
You know, I'm not sure I recognize him. I usually do, those kids who hang
around and sort of give me a shove in one direction or another. But this one
... I don't know, he might be a demonstrator or a perpetrator or one of those
"ator" types. There's usually a lot of 'em around, holdin' up signs,
I notice. In fact, I was coming through the airport just yesterday, and there
was a guy protesting something called the "Kardashian Party". I don't
really know any of those Russian types, but a party is a party so I said ...
What? Oh, good. Time's up. Anyway, vote for me or even this
Healthcare Bill fella, whoever he is. I'll see you all back at the Senate,
those of you who are allowed, anyway.
