At least twelve people in the nation's capital gathered this week to welcome Senator Elijah Kreek back to his seat representing the geopolitical entity of Lesser Evil, Michigan. Due to an error among Kreek's staff, according to the Senator, anyway, his loss to a coalition of mushroom growers and several elderly individuals who thought they were enrolling in a Pilates course came as a shock to his supporters. After a series of firings and a no-holds-barred drinking contest, the former Senator has now been reconfirmed and reinstated in his former office. He spoke to his constituents this morning, and his message is quoted verbatim below.
Who are these folks? They're what? Supporters? Isn't that the thing I really hate and dispest? What? Oh, SUPorters, not REporters? That's better. Had me worried, there, for a minute. Better than being worried for an hour, I suppose, but still ...
Anyway, welcome back to my old Kentucky home. I call it that because of the song. I don't really have a home in Kentucky, they tell me. Mine's somewhere around here, where the men are men, an' the deer ... aren't. In any metaphysical sense, anyhow. You see one lyin' down, flakin' off, generally wasting the precious seconds of his life, an' you tell him to get up and man up ... well, all he'll do is look at you, and then run away like he's seen the devil or something. Makes sense to him, I guess.
I'm tryin' get it all pulled back together, here. Kind of paste things down. Or up, you know, whatever. Re-established, more or less. I dropped in at the general store at Bear Facts Crossing, just the other day, to see if they had any paste. Fella who runs the place says no, they had
some but it just gradually disappeared. I suggested he check his supplier billing, his ex-pendictures, you know, but he says no, can't do it, can't do it. No invoices or bills or anything. Yeah, I said, I can understand that. There's no accountin' for paste.
Sadly, I'll be leaving here soon, heading back to the nexus of, you know, the thing... the country. That place named after a President ... Hooverville, I think. What's that? Really? Washington? I thought he was a General or something. President, too, eh? Busybody. Some of these kids just can't seem to settle down on a career. No, not even to the point of influencin' the confluence of whatever needs to be conflowed. Underachievers.
Now, one of the things we find ourselves dealin' with here is the shift from democratic to republican nonsense. As most of us will agree, this nation runs on nonsense, and we need a constant supply, apparently, or else why would we put up with it? And the question that begs - runs around from door to door beggin' it, in fact - is why? And where?
I don't claim to have all the answers. In fact, I try not to have any of 'em. You go answerin' things, and sooner or later people will vote for you, and there you are, stuck with a bunch of questions. And people, too. Bears, not so much. Bears, in my experience, tend to think they have all the answers. I mean, ask a bear what to do about tarrifs, and he'll just say "Rowr!" and run you up a tree. Come to think of it, I tend to do that myself.
At least it keeps people from asking questions. And while we're at it, let's not forget old Oliver Cromwell. What? Oh, sorry, I meant let's forget him. I remembered him the other day, and it gave me a headache.
Looks like the people who wave things at me are waving a card that says "time" on it. That's getting pretty meta-physical, seems like, but if that's the way it is, then let it be. Good old John Lenin. Pretty long hair for a Russian dictator, but somebody told me the other day that he wasn't. He was a British dictator. I thought they claimed to have gotten over that a while back. But who knows? Anyway, stay on the right side of whatever's wrong and vote your convenience ... conscience, I mean. Or the other one. What's a little spelling among friends?
Senator Elijah Kreek represents the citizens in and around NoOneLivesThere County, Michigan, and will continue to serve, well, someone's interests for a while longer, it seems.
