A funny guy

That Vladimir Putin, what a card!  He timed his State of Whatever They Call It speech to coincide with a gala insurgent attack in Chechnya! Brilliant timing, Vlad!

He also says the West is "afraid of Russia." We're trying to "isolate" the Rodina.  So Russia's strategy is to turn away from the parts of the world with money and technology and like that, and honey up to the other parts. Of course, if the sanctions continue, we may see places in, say, Central Africa or the Caribbean providing foreign aid to Moscow.  How's Venezuela working out as a pal, Mr. President?

Now the last time a western power decided on a tactic like this -- fighting against "encirclement" and demanding a place at the colonial table -- it didn't work out too well. A little unpleasantness starting in 1914, for example.  And then a triumphal comeback tour 25 years later on. But the thing is, old boy, neocolonialism's played out. The colonizees are wise to the game, now. Plus, a lot of 'em have hardware you sold 'em back in the 80's, and they kind of resented the roll-back of customer support.

But maybe it's a cleverer scheme that it seems. Shares of Western goodwill are too expensive, so Russia is shorting Africa and the Middle East. It could work. And if Vladimir can make the books look good enough, maybe a white knight will offer an acquisition. Facebook, say, or News Corp. Once they got past Mr. Murdoch's editorial slant, they'd get on just fine.

Now he's killing trees

McConnell tells us that The Least Weasel is available as a paperback. Tormenting bits and bytes is one thing, but I'm not sure this isn't going too far.

He says it's available from createspace now, and that it'll show up on Amazon proper in a few days.  Can no one stop him?

A really good summary of what idiots believe about vaccinations

The CBC ran this summary of the myths and for-profit delusions surrounding vaccinations. Here's our abbreviated summary of their summary.

• Ethylmercury is not methylmercury: Thimerosal which is the source of the "vaccines have mercury in 'em" myth, breaks down into the former, not the latter. There is no evidence that ethylmercury is in any way harmful.
• Autism: There is simply no evidence of any link between vaccines and autism. None. The doc who was paid to claim that has been run out of town on a rail.
• Too many vaccines "overwhelm" the immune system: Bogus. The number of organisms you get from vaccinations are miniscule compared to the number you get from kissing someone or eating at a fast food restaurant. Arrant nonsense.
• Low Risk: The diseases against which we vaccinate are the ones you really don't want to get. The risk of getting, for example, polio, are far greater than whatever risk there might be in getting the shot.
• Unnecessary: Socially irresponsible. Any one individual may not be at risk from a particular pathogen, but by failing to be vaccinated, he provides a host from which it can be transferred to another person, perhaps not so healthy. Failing to be vaccinated is being a bad citizen.

Question: Why can a five-year-old be disciplined or suspended at school for making a gun-sign with his finger, but not for being a walking repository of diseases?  Might have to start asking that question a bit more frequently.

Long time no post

Apologies for the inactivity here. The Editor's excuses are:

• Supervising the completion of McConnell's new book (see above)
• Spending a fortnight in the hospital with a surprise case of pneumonia
• Experimenting with Twitter (@jfmcluggage -- follow it for a larger volume of shorter nonsense than usually appears here).
• General indolence

However, now that things are back to something approximating normalcy, we'll try to make this a bit more lively.

Senator Creek Regrets

Thank you. Thank you all for being. Here. Being here. I realize that something or other that went on last week ... or was it the week before? Anyway, something I said or did. Or maybe something I ate. Anyway, not everybody cared for it. Some people, evidently, got all upset. And at the time, I went on record as saying "Don't be upset." But they tell me that didn't help.

So I am wherever it is we are today to repeat my earlier statement. I will repeat it here or in any other venue, avenue, or byway of this great nation. "Don't be upside," I say. I've said it before, they tell me, and I'll keep on saying it until they tell me to stop. "Don't be upside-down." The blood'll all rush to your head. That's what my grandfather always said, anyway. Okay, they're signaling me to stop saying it now.

But you know, just the other day I was speaking to a young man with a bad haircut and a microphone. That happens a lot, and it leads me to believe that there may be quite a few of 'em, fellas like that, and Lord-a-mercy, they sure have a lot of questions. Anyway, I'd managed to get away from my aides. Those kids who follow me around and tell me what's going on. Some of 'em have those two-wheel seg-ment things they roll around on. My roll-aides, I call 'em. But this particular morning, I ducked behind a cement truck and gave 'em the slip, and when I turned around, there was this guy. And he asked me what I thought of the scandal.

Now I don't always have the best luck, what with my hearing and my eyesight and my aides and the squirrels and all, figuring out whether somebody is talking to me or what language he's speakin' or whether he's some kind of reporter or one of the squirrels. So I drew myself up to my full height, put my hat on forwards-around, and assumed my full Senatorial stance and sonorous, authoritative voice, and I said, "Who are you?" And just to be on the safe side, I offered him a peanut in case he was a squirrel. They're tricky little bastards, squirrels. 

Well, sir, he didn't want the peanut, so I guess he must have been a reporter. And I told him ... and I will defend to the death my right to say it ... that we ought to maintain the posture of this great nation of ours, sort of bent forward with our heads cocked slightly to one side, like a dog who don't quite understand what you said, and that we should stay the course in that fashion until it starts to hurt. And then stop.

About then, my aides caught up, and I must say, I don't think they were entirely justified in beating him that severely, unless of course, he really was a squirrel. But by the time they'd got the SWAT team sorted out from the tourists, I'd just wandered down the block, with my hands in my pockets, whistling' and looking up at the big buildings and making out like I didn't know what was goin' on, just like I used to do back in Detroit when the cops was nosing around, and I got clean away. Never did find out what all the excitement was about. 

But the next morning, when I'd had my coffee and medications, I regretted it. The coffee, especially. And I just want to say to all of you, the ones with neckties on, anyway, that I truly regret any misunderstandings. And for those of you who do understand it, well, I regret you, too.

Catching up

Haven't spent a great deal of time in the swank Wood-Charles HQ building recently. First, we had a couple of field research trips, inspecting secret training facilities State Parks. Then we had to do a quick trip to the Capital region, looking into a rumored dip in restaurant revenue (intervention successful).  Anyway, operations are back to normal (to the extent they ever are), and we can note some data gathered from instrumentation, imagery, and FOIA requests.


First, some new members of the team:

• Electronic content specialist, Bjorn Digital
• Our Punjabi-Irish-Caribbean Ethicist, Izzat O'Cayman

Clandestine humint (i.e. things overheard):

• Young State Park: Woman: You guys want to buy a sail boat? You don't have one. Man: You know what? I don't smoke crack, and I ain't gonna do that, either.
• Black Lake: Small boy: Pow, pow, pow! You want to use my grenade launcher?
• Smaller boy, chanting: Hey, hey, hey, hey! Who stucka mustard?
• Little girl, on a bike with training wheels, frantically: I'm slowing down!

New project pitches:

• Documentary on Simon and Garfunkel: With Stephen Frye and Patrick Stewart, Hugh Laurie as Neil Young, and Justin Beiber as the Monkey. "Simon and Garfunkel didn't have a monkey!" "Write one in."
• Therapy bears
  

(Management would like to apologize for the poor quality of the illustrations on this blog. The person who drew the cartoon at left is receiving counseling. Wood-Charles promises to employ a skilled three-year-old to do these drawings as soon as one is available. A spokesman for three-year-olds said "Echo Location!")

Elijah Creek, concerned citizen, addresses City Council

Good evening and thank you, Senators and Councilwomen. I'm told that it's an honor to address this august body, and I mean that in the most sensitive manner. I myself have a November body, and I know how some of you must feel. Tonight, I do not wish to waste the council's time with ill-considered rubbish. I have given this rubbish -- as I do all rubbish -- long and careful consideration, and I can only hope that all of us have as well.

I wish to draw the council's attention to the question of animal eligibility. While you are considering new regulations for determining which animals may reside here, in whose backyard, and run for political office, I remind you all that our former rules were,  in fact, declared unconstitutional in 1974, and I believe that in the spirit of mean-spirited finger-pointing that has made me what I am today, we should determine who our mayor was in that immemorial year, and punish him or her severely. As President Poe said,  sink him in a dank tarn of ushers.

I realize that it may not be possible to find out who the mayor was in 1974, what with all those records being destroyed when they tore down the bus station , but I believe it is in the best interest of posterity that we try. To quote my revered ancestor, Paul Revere, if not who, why? If not them, wherefore?

And I yield the remainder of my time to the King of Norway.

US to expand into Europe?

As Scotland prepares to vote on leaving the United Kingdom, long-range contingency planning is going on at high levels, both in London and in other capitals.  If the UK were to lose Scotland, it would reprsent a loss of both revenue and face for either a Labour or Tory government. Whither England? is then the question that is being asked in Parliament and, increasingly, in the US House and Senate.

"I have just two words for you," said US Secretary of State, John Kerry. "Fifty-first State. Whadaya think?"

Is it conceivable that 238 years after the beginning of the American Revolution, the Empire formally known as Great Britain could join the United States?  Consider the advantages:

Cost savings: by eliminating the British military establishment and turning the defense of the ex-realm over to the US Army and Navy, a huge and redundant expense would be eliminated. The added costs to the US would be minor; the Pentagon estimates that a brigade of infantry would be sufficient to secure the island's northern border, focusing primarily on ending Scots cattle raids. And one or two Coast Guard vessels would be able to adequately deter naval aggression from France and Ireland.

"The Scandinavians are another matter," said US Secretary of the Navy Ray Mabus. "If the Vikings start acting up again, we'll need another Littoral Combat Ship, at least."

Health Care: British citizens would be able to avoid the delays, deficiencies, and even deaths associated with Government-provided healthcare (with some exceptions among veterans, it's granted).  Doctors would be able to transition from the NHS to more efficiently-run private hospital systems, join a huge and powerful lobbying organization, and avoid (at least temporarily) the much-hated ICD-10 coding model.

Human Rights: Britain has a large population of poor and marginalized people, many of them from disadvantaged parts of the world. As citizens of the US, they would be able to come to North America, escaping marginalization, unemployment, and prejudice in England and experiencing those things here instead. Furthermore, the British people would finally enjoy constitutionally-guaranteed freedoms of speech, choice, privacy, and firearms ownership and be able to vote for elected officials who promise to uphold them.  Experts assure us that there really is a difference, although it's too complicated to go into right now.

Economic Freedom: A Britain that left the European Union would escape a vast, stultifying government bureaucracy, striving to turn Europe's unique and proud traditions into a single, bland set of life ways.  As US citizens, they would find that our government never undertakes any such ruthless concentration of thought and action, preferring to outsource it to large corporations. And from our perspective, an influx of poor and easily-exploitable people would be of substantial advantage to the fast food, convenience store, and landscaping industries.

There are, obviously, downsides.  For one, it would probably be best to give the new state a new name. "Old England" has been suggested by several commentators, primarily to distinguish it from Maine, Massachusetts, and New Hampshire. This has complications, since it would also involve regional and civic renaming, including Old Hampshire, Old York, and Old Jersey.

Another area of difficulty would arise when US traffic standards were applied. It has been suggested that residents of the new state be allowed to continue driving on the wrong side of the road but that it be illegal. The revenue from traffic citations could offset most of the costs related to unification.

Finally, there is the vexed question of language. Some legislators from Arizona and California have said that they will put forward bills to make "American" the standard language of business and education (including the requirement to call soccer "Old Football").  This shouldn't be insurmountable, since American is not and has never been a single language. From the great south ("How y'all?") to the frozen north ("How's it goin', eh?"), from the west ("Dude!") to the east coast ("Hey, greet this, woodja?"), Americans are used to colorful regionalisms. Experts agree that even a term as unusual and outlandish as "Hello" will be accepted.

Will this be the future of Britain? Or will it opt to struggle (or "muddle" as they say) along on its own, abashed at its loss and forced to bolster its failing manhood with new Aircraft carriers named after a Queen? Or will it approach yet another North American superpower, and become just the most far-flung province of the Maritimes, doomed to a cod-based economy, and with the Pound tied to the value of Prince Edward Island mussels? Only time will tell.

A taste of things to come

Joe McConnell gave us this excerpt from the next of his libelous rants novels about Mac MacArthur. He seems to think it's funny.



Burke could talk almost endlessly on any topic that interested him, although his narrative style was essentially a dump of a mind map. He leapt from point to point in a way that reflected his understanding of things but usually baffled his audience. And outside of work, his interests were almost exclusively related to online gaming. Recently, he'd managed to battle his way to the twelfth degree ranking of a character called "Snorq" in the game of Satanic Sychosis. This achievement had required him to destroy his way from a lovingly rendered post-apocalyptic version of Cincinnati, all the way to a demonic headquarters and stolen vehicle chop shop on a planet hidden behind Saturn. He was now trying to find the right weapon – Mac thought he said "Laser Sawzall" but he might have misheard it – which would let him hew his way through a Ferrochrome version of Hadrian's Wall and save civilization from an evil being.

"An evil being?" asked Mac, trying to be polite.

"Yeah, he rides this giant, two-wheel thing. He uses a hammer like Thor. His war name is Schnozniak."
 
"Are there any women in these things?"

That stopped Burke in his tracks. "Wow. I don't know. I mean, there are girls playing, but ..."

"Yeah, but are there any female characters, anybody who you'd recognize as female, good or evil?"

"No. Some people complained about that, I think. But the programmers said it was too hard."

History at its most depressing

People are not all the same. Some are naturally drawn to athletics, some folks get music theory from an early age. Me, I speed read. Always have, from the point at which I learned to read at all. This is sometimes a useful skill, and if there ever was a need for it, this book is it. Meredith has been writing on this topic for decades, and this is, in fact, the third revision.  760 pages of what adds up to despair.

Those few of you who bothered to parse out the underlying themes of my general worldview will recall that I have said several times "Africa is screwed." This book is, as noted, 760-some pages of how and why that analysis is correct.

To simplify, decolonialization was a morally necessary thing, but it was bungled so badly that instead of giving millions of people their freedom, uhuru paved the way for dictatorships and ethnic / religious conflict. Then, when those things began to have an impact on economies elsewhere, a process of re-meddling on the part of the colonial powers (Britain, France, Belgium, and Portugal) and new meddling by us, the Russians, and most recently the Chinese made things infinitely worse. Meanwhile, the population is expanding and the amount of arable land is contracting. People are moving en masse to ghettos around the cities. Meredith concludes:

"After decades of mismanagement and corruption, most African states have been hollowed out. They are no longer instruments capable of serving the public good. Indeed, far from being able to provide aid and protection to their citizens, African governments and the vampire-like politicians who run them are regarded by the populations they rule as yet another burden they have to bear in the struggle for survival."

And the kicker? The revision was done three years ago. Boko Harum and the ebola outbreak in west Africa aren't even on Meredith's radar.

We did this, "we" being western Europe initially and later, the Cold War Kids and whatever kind of war we're in now. And even worse: no one can demonstrate that aid programs have done anything to help. In fact, many efforts to provide aid have been accidently or deliberately diverted to local elites and even back to non-African corporations, making the situation worse. Even the people who are in the business of providing aid are beginning to suffer from "donor fatique."

Sorry, Bill and Melinda. Nice try. But Africa is screwed.

---

The Fate of Africa by Martin Meredith.