The Occasional Joke

Nurse: Patient's name?

Centurion: Marcus Licinius Crassus

Nurse: And his date of birth?

Centurion: 115 BC.

Nurse: All right. And what is he here for?

Centurion: Cataphract surgery.

Thursday, June 12, 2014

World cup coverage

Game over. I'll post the live tweets here shortly. If you can't wait, they're at @jfmcluggage. Summary: breathtakingly boring. Two hours of my life I want back.

Oh, Lord. Now it's golf. Off, off, where's the power button? Here are the live tweets:

Wood Charles' live world coverage! Live from an undisclosed couch in Ann Arbor.
So far, idiots talking over video of people in uniforms.

"Players leading children onto the field. Sacrifices?

Somebody's Natl anthem playing. One player's head bobbling, sort of."

"Croatians singing. "" We are proud to come here And kick balls around.

For your pleasure. And money."""

Coin toss. Unclear (to me) who won. Now a release of doves. Doves fleeing.

Someone kicked the ball out of bounds. It's back in play. Nose ball bounces off someone's

head. Out of bounds again. Breathtaking.

Two players fell over each other. Crowd loves it. Some kind of free kick now.

Spectator in green suit catches it.

Player fails to score. Another player kicks ball. Ball out of bounds.

Referee now scolding someone.

" one thing you can say about Croatians, they're a dangerous team ..."

Oh, somebody scored. On their own goal apparently.

Ball being kicked around. Commentators talking.

The guy in the green suit is actually a player, I guess.

" some of the lights have gone out "

Long shot at the goal. Misses by only 20 feet or so.

Green suit spoils score again. And again. Ball now being kicked around again.

Green guy quite busy.

Player down. Up again. Ball kicked into stands. Long high kick down field.

Hits player squarely on head. Apparently not a foul.

Penalty if some kind. Ball kicked out of bounds.

Ok, this time Brazil gets ball in correct goal. Crowd seems pleased.

Commentator says "I hope your architect is wetted" or something like that.

Croatian player kicks ball. Hits Brazilian. Kicks again, hits Brazilian in head.

More people kicking ball. Out of bounds.

Out of bounds. Back in. Out again.

One player tries to surrender. Referee reminds him he's not playing for France.

Tense situation. Out of bounds.

"He's doing silly things in silly positions." People kicking ball around.

Brazilian player looks a lot like Oliver North. Probably isn't. Half time. Suits talking.

Score seems to be 1 to 1.

Suits saying incomprehensible things. Commercials.  Mostly incomprehensible, too.

Ooh, there's the green guy.

We're back. Out of bounds. "Crowd seems pensive ..." Oooo! Out of bounds!

Ball kicked into the stands. Player rolling around in pain or angst. Ball off knee,

off another player's face. Now being kicked around.

Announcer keeps calling one player "Racket-itch." Long kick, hits player on head.

Pattern emerging.

Elbow to face. This does seem to be frowned on. Lots of hands being held up in appeal of something. Noiw a player has fallen down.

Out of bounds, kicked in clear across field, out of bounds. Long kick down field,

FAILS to hit player on head! Penalty!

Free kick, only 15 feet high.  Aaaand ... Out of bounds. Crowd cheering something.

Another penalty! Free kick. Score. Crowd happy.

Ball bouncing off various heads. Commentators saying fatuous things. Ball kickage ...

Down to 10 minutes, thank God.

Another goal, but no good, for some reason. Croatians unhappy. out of bounds.

Player down. Ball being kicked . Another goal. Players happy.

Seems to be over. Brazil appears to have won.  Suits are back. I'm out of here.

LeMans is on Sunday.

Monday, June 9, 2014

Online sports coverage from Wood Charles

Pickup Basketball

Over the course of many years, Wood Charles writers have been encouraged liable to mock and denigrate professional sports. A recent investigation by unnamed government agencies has alleged any number of nefarious influences and reasons, chief among them:
  • Receipt of suspicious sums from NPR in order to drive audiences away from stock car racing and toward Wait Wait Don't Tell me.
  • A quid pro quo agreement to mock International Badminton competitions in return for not pressuring the University of Michigan to host a World Wrestling Foundation event in Michigan Stadium.
  • Collusion with a national intelligence agency in scuppering North Korea's bid to host the 2015 Pickup Basketball Championships.
Wood Charles management vehemently denies these misstatements. In a press release yesterday, Chairman J. Francis McLuggage quoted Dr. Johnson: "Ignorance, Madam, pure ignorance."  He explained that most contributors had never watched any mass, popular sporting events for more than the amount of time it takes to change the channel, instead preferring to watch such educational and uplifting programming as COPS. Consequently, the writers were easily swayed by a culture of fear and intimidation, and were only too willing to make jokes about Golf, Hockey, Monster Truck Debates, and so on.

In a deal with authorities, WCA has agreed to watch one randomly selected World Cup Soccer match until completion or sleep brings an end to it. In an effort to remain awake, the WCA team will live-tweet commentary during the course of the game.

"If this goes well," said McLuggage,  "we may expand the program to football and the NBA." Asked if they would consider including Major League Baseball, McLuggage said no. "We have some standards."

Barring difficulties, WCA will watch and tweet the game between, ah, let's see here, Brazil and Croatia, 4:00 PM June 12th. Follow @jfmcluggage to participate.

It has been pointed out that the driver of the pickup truck in the above illustration has a hand the size of his head and only four digits on it. This was not an omission, but a specific tribute to the work of the late, great Walt Kelly: "Keerful of your fingers." "Yup. I 'members ol' one-thumb Brophy."