Senator Kreek's 2022 Holiday Address 2023
Kickoff
In just a moment, we'll join Senator Elijah Kreek in his office ... ah, he's ready for us now. Here with his annual new year kickoff address is the US Senator from somewhere in Michigan, Senator Elijah Kreek.
Okay. Let's get this over with. My friends and indeed everyone else, I have to begin with an apology. Due to an unfortunate misunderstanding with my staff, I seem to have overslept a bit. So instead of presenting my usual holiday wrap up, with this ... event, I guess we'll call it ... I'm switching to a kickoff spiel for what I assumed would be the coming year, but seems somehow to be the current one. How the hell did that happen, I asked my chief of staff, but he didn't really have a coherent answer. If any of you out there is looking for a chief of staff, I could, I guess, introduce him. And if you have a coherent answer, I could use one of them, myself.
However, be that as it be, I've been doing this nonsense long enough that I can certainly ... wing it, I guess, while keeping my insights and outsights to their usual incredible standard of ... standards. And speaking of standards, our great national standard is waving gallantly in the slight breeze coming off the Pentomic - why it doesn't stay on the Pen ... what? Potomac, I mean, is beyond me. Why, in fact, the Chinese can't keep their baboons from floating around in the clear, blue skies ... balloons, of course I meant. Baboons don't really float, I'm assured by my team of experts, here. You can toss one in the water, and he'll stone like a sink unless you throw him a line.
But what, I ask you, is or are the question or questions that we should or perhaps shouldn't be questioning at this point in whatever it is that we're pointing toward? Who is responsible? And where? And how damn much is it going to cost? Those are the things that I assume the valiant voters who ventured out to vote for me or someone else, as far as that goes, want? Or need? And why was I not given a brief briefing in due brief before I sat down make these brief remarks?
Now, those among you who are paying attention will probably note that no one around me really is, to the point that I appear to you, apparently, to not understand that I am, in fact, at this point in time, standing up, not sitting down, to brief you briefly on ... these things? Why, I ask you? Well, the answer is that you can't answer that. You're not here, and this isn't one of those baboon meetings ... Zoom? Okay, fine. They both got double o's, don't they? I mean, what's the difference? Baboon or zoom or whizzbang, it's all going to be the same in two thousand years. And let's all hope it's better. Won't be hard to achieve that, I imagine.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to bring this epic moment to a close. I have to go over to the Senate and vote against whatever everyone else is voting for, since you gave me what I choose to call a clear message that you would do that, if you were here, and, you know, allowed to break into the Senate and vote. At all. But you don't have to do that because you've got me here to do it for you. Enjoy a peaceful and baboon-free year, and, assuming nothing falls out of orbit again and impedes the democratic process, I'll be sharing my vague impressions of the situation with you once again, at or around that time.
And there you have it. Senator Kreek's somewhat annual message of ... something. Stay tuned for the Republican and Democratic Parties' responses.
