MS's Euro Issues Still Not Solved

As Microsoft continues to argue with the EU over various issues too boring to contemplate, we were reminded that way back in the nineties, Bill Gates got pied while banging the PR drum on the continent. Our J. Francis McLuggage talked about the holes in Gates' security measures.

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GATES PASTRY ATTACK SPURS NEW CONCERNS

Ann Arbor: In the wake of a Belgian cream cake attack on Microsoft Mogul Bill Gates, industrial security experts are openly talking about a whole new level of threat from terrorists, criminals, the deranged, and consumer advocates. That Gates was sufficiently vulnerable to be hit, not once but three times, with potentially lethal doses of sugar and dairy products just points up the extent to which corporate executives are leaving themselves open to assault. But what measures can a CEO take? Wood-Charles News Service talked to our own J. Francis McLuggage, chairman of the vast WCA holdings.

WCNS: What did you think of the attack on Gates?

McL: The man has no moves. If you watch the footage -- which I have, over and over -- you'll note that his right hand moves in the direction of the incoming custard. Classic panic response, trying to ward off the projectile rather than carrying out his training.

WCNS: Training?

McL: Sure. All Microsoft execs go through extensive threat-reduction training, and they all carry. I happen to know that Bill packs a hand- made black forest torte, plus a holdout eclair in an ankle holster. But in the clinch, instead of trying a combat draw on the cake -- which has a US-made counter-ballistic pastry sight -- tracks the incoming calories with millimeter-wave radar and plots a trajectory right back at the flinger -- all he could do was cringe and get sticky. Wimp.

WCNS: What about his aides and bodyguards?

McL: They panicked, too. You can see one of them trying to hold a portfolio between Bill and the tart boys -- of course, it's one of those useless kevlar-panel things. Sure, it'll stop a nine millimeter, but Jell-O will make a mess out of it, flow around the edges, and keep right on going. I've seen it happen. No, proper doctrine calls for taking out as many of the threat personnel as possible, and for my money, there's only one way to do that.

WCNS: What?

McL: Seltzer bottles. All my direct reports have 'em. Hey, you don't think they all wear those rubber noses for FUN, do you?

WCNS: So you'd really advocate turning a public location into a shootout?

McL: A groceried society is a polite society. Nobody has ever tried that kind of funny business with me, precisely because they know what would happen.

WNCS: What, exactly?

McL: Well, first, you open your eyes really wide, wipe away some of the goop, and say, "Oh, a wise guy, eh?" That freezes their blood -- lets 'em know they're dealing with a pro. Then you grab a seltzer bottle, shout "Front sight!" and let 'em have it. Meanwhile, your protection unit is piling out of their Volkswagen, tripping over each other, and waving their rubber nightsticks around -- that gets the media's attention -- in the ensuing chaos, you pick out a large woman in a formal gown -- there's always one or two around, at affairs like this -- and you duck down behind her so she gets the next pie. If you can't find a woman in a formal, try a guy in a silk top hat. It's almost as good.

WCNS: And then what?

McL: Oh, by then, every body's covered in shaving cream, fighting, and screaming, and you can sneak quietly away and bundle a few browsers in your operating system.

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