Color me psychic

Just found this, from (apparently) 1998. Could things really have been this predictable? If so, how sad.

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1998 01 07

FORD, GM SEEK NEXT BIG THING

Ann Arbor: The US automakers, still riding the crest of the light truck wave, are already beginning to cast about for the next major vehicle category. Few in the industry will claim to have foreseen the popularity of small pickup trucks, built on an automobile chassis; and fewer still would assert that building what are essentially four-wheel- drive station wagons on heavy pickup frames was a rational, logically- arrived-at marketing strategy. Instead, most analysts see the industry as taking a "products happen" approach -- people want "safe" because they've allowed themselves to be sold on the need to procreate while still working time and a half with both hands, just to make the payments on a 4500 square foot esthetic nightmare, built in what was a cornfield until twenty minutes ago -- so they carry a big wad of guilt around concerning their parenting skills -- hell, they even invented the word "parenting" to describe what they're being told they ain't got -- and so they're susceptible to a sales pitch about safety on the road. Jeep, stuck with a low-quality, retro-looking lump that mostly appealed to the flannel-shirt and deer rifle segment of the pasty-white- male market category, decided to invent a reputation for reliability and flog it to the wrong-way-down-Ashley set -- the sub-segment of the minivan or deeply confused grouping who not only drive around with fourteen children and a basset hound in the car but who worry about "safety" while they're doing it. Voila, le sport-futility vehicle.

Next, the economy stumbles into good times and gas prices are still low, so the sport-ute buyers allow themselves to be sold "big." Safe and big. So the automakers stumble onto the tactic of recreating the Chevy Suburban with leather seats and cup holders. Like the German Navy after Fisher unveiled the Dreadnought, other drivers, in self - defense, are forced to follow suit or be run off the road by people sitting so high up, they're suffering from hypoxia. Your neighbor's 1997 defense budget includes two "Indefatigable"-class battlecruiser - size Cadillac Life Activity Vehicles, so you lobby your Reichstag for Ford's dee-luxe "Enterprise" offspring carrier and a squadron of Chrysler's new Somali Warlord Signature Technicals (remember technicals? Pickup trucks with pintle-mounted light automatic weapons in the back?) for the kids to kommute to kommunity kollege in.

Oops. But what about the small but well-heeled segment of society whose members don't actually need to (or have been able to stick the wife and/or nanny with) toting around the yard apes? What about the mature gentleman with the hair plugs? What about all those post- thirty guys who are making a mint marketing Rosa Parks collectibles or running internet porn sites? Relax, boys. Detroit has you covered, too. This year's big in-car accessory is -- yes, you guessed it -- a humidor. Now let's see -- that's one hand to use the cell phone, one to work the cigar cutter, one eye on the Windows CE-based real-time portfolio management system ... got a good estate lawyer?

Right. As you can see, all of this is evolutionary, not revolutionary (the new VW Beetle to the contrary -- it looks like a slightly squashed Neon and sports a built-in flower vase. Venceramos!) What Detroit needs is some really breakthrough marketing ideas before one of them sneaky third-world outfits -- Japan or one of them -- eats our Big Mac again. Well, fear not. We hear that the big three have actually agreed to form a joint brain trust. In our relentless pursuit of something we can pass off as truth, we've managed to obtain the following time lines, presented earlier this week to top Ford and GM management.

1999 model year: Ford announces new line of touring motorcycles, based on the F-150. GM goes after a World Superbike win with Carl Fogarty riding an inline-four-powered machine, built up on a Catera frame, split lengthwise with a Sawzall (the frame, not Fogarty). Chrysler adds more cup holders to the Dodge Ram.

2000: Ford debuts the Millenium Falcon, a retro-styled economy car to appeal to aging boomers (based on the Escort chassis) with built-in hash pipe holders. GM rolls out the Akwarius, a Chevy Citation with special flower and paisley interior and exterior treatment and in-dash, aroma-tight "humidor." Chrysler adds under-seat air bags to its minivan lineup.

2001: Ford re-launches the Thunderbird as a retro-styled two-seater with 6.5 liter v-10 engine, available full-time four wheel drive, and burled walnut in-dash handgun holder (based on the F-150). GM announces acquisition of Perot Systems. Chrysler announces layoffs.

2002: Ford, GM announce joint acquisition of Chrysler, Jeeps to be built in UK Jaguar plants, Dodge Ram to be re-engineered onto the Catera chassis. Hyundai announces acquisition of Ford, GM.

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