"That is a fabrication of the Western savage-barbarian conspiracy. The filthy traitor was executed in the manner laid down by our laws. He was marinated overnight in lite soy sauce, and then offered to a woodchuck, but as the woodchuck declined to participate, we shot him. The woodchuck. Then we shot the traitor, too, sort of as an afterthought."
The US State Department refused to comment, but an official at the Department of Agriculture cast doubt on that version of the facts, noting that the export of woodchucks to North Korea has been under embargo since 2011.
Meanwhile, news sources in Michigan were running Korean developments on the Internet equivalent of page six, since "Top News" feeds were occupied with snowstorm pictures and warnings from Governor Snyder about using caution when driving in twelve feet of snow and/or running with scissors.