The Occasional Joke

Nurse: Patient's name?

Centurion: Marcus Licinius Crassus

Nurse: And his date of birth?

Centurion: 115 BC.

Nurse: All right. And what is he here for?

Centurion: Cataphract surgery.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

The Corner Cases

As clear cut evidence of having too much time on my hands, I've been looking into the fringe candidates for President -- the hopeful, hopeless little twerps who sign up to run for the leadership of this country, without a penny of superPAC money or, in most cases, a clue about the issues on which they nevertheless fearlessly take stands. What's sad is that most of them won't even be awarded the "footnote to history" acolade -- they won't get that far, even. Here's a sampling.

Name Kathyern Lane (yes, that's really how she spells it)
Party GOP (she says she flipped a coin)
Qualifications Claims to have taught herself Japanese
Positions Repeal Obama Care; drill for oil anywhere we damn please; build lots of nukes; reduce taxes; improve and expand the H1-B program (which, somehow, in her view, will increase jobs for Americans.)
McLuggage Index Certifiably Insane

Name Roger Gary
Party Libertarian
Qualifications None
Positions Few concrete stands that can be identified, except "keep government out of my hair." Wants TSA to stop molesting people (his phrase) at the airport.
McLuggage Index A waste of oxygen

Name Jimmy McMillan
Party The Rent is Too Damn High Party
Qualifications Has appeared as a panelist on "American's Dumbest Criminals." Funnier than Al Sharpton.
Positions Obama is “a good-looking young guy, and I’m a handsome old dude. So there’s gonna be some competition there.”
McLuggage Index Highly amusing to watch; has no policies worth mentioning. Web site appears to be down.

Name Danny Woodring
Party Independent
Qualifications Well, at least he doesn't like the Tea Baggers
Positions The usual crap; cut taxes (but still fix the roads and improve education,) oust the immigrants, "restructure" the H1-B visa program, and do something, not entirely clear what, to defense spending.
McLuggage Index An excellent example of why you can't and shouldn't elect political outsiders; everything looks so simple when you're on the outside looking in.

Name Vern Wuensche
Party GOP
Qualifications He's run a construction business
Positions Typical small-time, small-mind conservative stuff. His profile on the GOP site, which I assume he or his campaign supplied, contains this unusual statement: "Vern’s inner toughness is a consequence of his modest beginnings plus the difficulties he regularly faced in surviving his business which he was never able to take to the next level. Every five years or so one dishonest individual would wipe out his accumulated capital without any chance of recovery since the legal costs would always exceed the recovery amount." No idea what that's all about.
McLuggage Index Appears to be a moron.

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