Helpful suggestions

Two low-level Russian diplomats were -- very allegedly -- recorded or somehow overheard joking about their country's next acquisitions, including parts of Italy, the United Kingdom, and the US.  Always ready to take advantage of drunken Stalinist simpletons help out the underdeveloped world, we have some suggestions for places they might want to consider:

• Sudan and/or South Sudan
• Afghanistan
• Texas

No complaints or pushback from neighboring countries would be forthcoming.

Key indicator down at end of week

Today's scorecard includes several data points that are expected to factor into a slight downward variance in the International Rubbish Index (1).

Segolene Royal, the ex-wife of French President Hollande (as opposed to the ex-live-in- partner or the girlfriend for whom he dumped the latter) has been brought back into the cabinet, despite her lack of real depth in areas such as nuclear energy. Last time she was in charge of things, she said publically that France depended on nukes for 17% of its energy, whereas the real number was 77%. This comes at a time when France is dithering its way toward backing out of its near-criminal reliance on nuclear power, and so there is some concern with this frankly silly management change. Score: -1.

A man who hit a 10 year old boy in Detroit when the youth stepped out in front of the man's pickup was mobbed, beaten into a coma, and robbed as well. A Detroit police sergeant said "... this is not conducive to how the city of Detroit generally handles things...” For the sheer nerve of that statement: Score: -2.
2014 04 09: update: he wasn't robbed. That was a rumor.

And an ad on the back cover of Archaeology Magazine touts tourism in Texas, concluding with the slogan "Texas: It's like a whole other country." Score: Here's hopin': +1.

In summary, adding the indicators produced a net reduction in the IRI, leaving it down 2.

(1) The International Rubbish Index or IRI is an indicator of the extent to which things appear to be going to hell in a handcart. It is maintained and published by the Research Institute of Michigan, a subsidiary of Wood-Charles Associates.

Always on the cutting edge

While he still maintains that Facebook is just a passing fad, beloved leader J. F. McLuggage has finally agreed to take a step into the twenty-first century and give Twitter a try. @jfmcluggage immediately gathered a following of millions, worldwide, with the heaviest representation being among citizens of the Crimea.

"Oh, glorious day", said Nicholaivich Upski, of West Sebastopol, " Not only we are happy new citizens fabulous Russian not-empire, but now we can follow Wood Charles News Service thing!"

In Turkey, the Prime Minister immediately rescinded his ban on Twitter. "I know when I'm licked", he was quoted as saying.

Scary Canadian Politician Talks Values

Quebec women's rights advocate explains the metric system why the Parti Quebecois must prevail in ensuring the right of white people to continue acting like white people.

2014 04 09: update: the PQ got its Eurocentric Butt kicked in the election.  Also, M. Drainville isn't the head of the PQ, he's just one of its Ministers.  Pauline Marois was the head until she resigned after the disastrous election she called, herself.  In military terms, she ordered an air strike on her own position.

Pauline Marois

In the angst and stomach acid generated by various separatist groups (e.g, Christians and Muslims in the Central African Republic trying to separate themselves from each other with machetes; the Crim Tartars demanding to be separated from the newly-separated Crimea; and the Scots seeking to separate themselves from the Limeys but keep on using their money because they don't have the technical resources to create a digital currency, the JockCoin), it's easy to overlook the long-running attempt of the Francophone peoples of Canada to separate themselves from reality.  Part of their platform involves something called a "values charter" which lays out the basic set of values they think a good citizen ought to have. In order to explain how this actually preserves civil rights rather than restricting them to those who look like the people in the picture above, Janette Bertrand used a metaphor about a swimming pool, scantily clad white women, and thinly-disguised middle-eastern men.  Even the pasty white guy head of the PQ, Bernard Drainville, shown standing patronizingly behind her, seems by his expression to be thinking "Elle est complètement folle".

Attention Collectors!

Once again, we present three fine items that were proudly featured in a catalog that we received.  Get out that credit card, cash out the trust fund.  These are must-have items!

Ideal for putting out Serbian fires. "One size fits most."

"Italian Military Surplus Cruet / Carafe Set."  Really. Read it for yourself.  April First is tomorrow, not today.

When was the last time you saw a "Military Surplus" item with cute, colored bubble design things on it?  Recently declassified DoD material indicates that these hats were part of a camouflage scheme for covert operations in WalMart stores.

Great for everyday wear around the house or in your Mother's basement while watching "My Little Pony."

That's enough of that.  Now for something completely different.

I hear and obey, Dear Leader

North Korea has (it is claimed -- remember the "Uncle-fed-to-dogs" rumor of a while back) mandated that all males must have the Kim Jong Un hair cut. 

Far be it from me to fight city hall.

DuChamp Rides Again

Sunday morning, sun shining, still and cold; a toilet seat abandoned at a BP station.  Political comment or simple incompetence: you decide.




By early afternoon, it was gone.  McConnell says he's going to work it into his next book, somehow. I know we'll all be looking forward to that.

Blatant International Aggression

Bad timing in the world of international thought experiments.  If I were going to advocate for a large, well-armed, well-funded company country taking over a smaller, more primitive, and less-prepared neighbor, I wouldn't have done it right this month.  Nevertheless, author Diane Francis is apparently unapologetic for the opinions expressed in her book, Merger of the Century. She proposes nothing less than a US takeover of Canada.

Okay, she calls it a "merger", but we all know how that works out. Just ask the Philippines. Or Panama.  If we don't get enough respect from the Russian Federation over the Crimea thing, it's not hard to imagine Washington cooking up a distraction. We start by painting Rob Ford in darker and darker tones, internationally. Then we claim that "extremists" in Prince Edward Island are threatening our vital sources of shellfish.  There are some Iroquois First Nations people blockading roads right now (really), and we can say they're being brutally oppressed by a ruthless majority (they are, more or less, but that's beside the point).  We cozy up to the Quebec separatists, and then publish a CIA report that says this winter's weather was really manufactured in Ottawa.  We seize one of their warships and tow it to Pearl Harbor.  The forts at Michilimackinac, Mackinac Island, and Detroit are re-militarized. Littoral Combat Ships appear on the St. Lawrence. Armored vehicles are re-equipped to be poutine-resistant. Oh, it'll be just awful.

Anyway, it probably won't happen.  Probably.  But if I were Stephen Harper, I'd be looking for support from ... hmmm. Somebody. England, maybe?  Nah, they're too busy trying to scare the Scots into voting against devolution. Oh, I know: France! Canada can buy the two Mistral-class ships the French won't be selling to Russia. That'll scare us off.

Let's go McConnelling

If you don't know about McConnelling, just Google it.  I haven't got the energy to explain.

Hot Career Advice

A survey of hiring managers appears to indicate which words you should leave out of your resume.  Their list, while predictable, is nevertheless mildly amusing:

• best of breed
• go-getter
• think outside the box
• synergy
• go-to person
• thought leadership
• value add

The study didn't appear to stratify results by the domain of employers or the job types in question; I imagine that jobs that require an ability to babble mindlessly and spew buzz phrases -- areas such as marketing and sales --  and companies that exploit serve Government markets would, in fact, relish this sort of vocabulary.

The things the managers liked to hear were, again unsurprisingly, verbs. Words like "achieved" and  "created" were more attractive. However, in keeping with our relentless focus on the negative things in life, we were more interested in expanding on their list of naughty words. Here are some resume terms that would be unlikely to get you an interview with Wood-Charles.

• nolo contendere
• Sears
• monkey
• Ted Nugent
• DSM V
• Mayor of Toronto
• Spetsnaz
• dancing with the stars
• sexting
• high school yearbook
• Detroit